Low Threshold

It doesn't take much to set me off. I wish it wasn't this way and I would love to grow a thicker skin but my depression makes me very susceptible to taking things too harshly. An old college friend got mad at me for posting something about the election and deleted me. When I asked her about it several ways and got no private response I saw a nice public one about how I basically was a horrible person who posted offensive things that she multiple times had said she was offended and I didn't apologize. Now this gets me angry because it was once. Just once. And she made it sound like that was all I did.She said she "tolerated" me. And she didn't have the decency to tell me anything to my face. Whatever. Move on, right?
But then there is the part of me that feels horrible and guilty and like I have ruined something important. I seriously want to cry. I feel like my logical side is arguing with me emotional side all over again. I really liked this person. I looked up to her but why really? And this aversion to burning bridges that I have has to stop. When one bridge burns another one will be built right? Now if I can just convince myself that that is true instead of feeling horrible each time it happens.
I wrote her privately back telling her I was sorry and that it was unfair for her not to respond to any of my messages. I won't hear from her again. I will move on.
This is one of those moments I wished someone read this so they could give advice.

The Indescribable Mood

I don't even know how to categorize today. I wasn't in a depressed mood, and my anxiety was pretty limited, but I also had absolutely no motivation. I mean none. I need to fill the schedule for my business and I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything. I am thinking maybe I am just tired? Like I said I am not down but I almost was looking for a reason to be down. I think I was looking for a reason to not have any energy at all. I can't stand days like this because I get nothing done. And I just don't have time to have the random down day.

Which is the real me?

I am sitting here in a not so good mood thinking about cleaning up my Facebook friend list. I thought to myself that maybe I should wait until I am in a better mood as to not do anything in haste when it got me thinking. If I wait then maybe while I am in a good mood I won't delete people that I would delete now. Maybe I would be better off deleting those people. Some how that question turned into which person am I? The depressed "me" or the happy, more socially expected "me?" Ok, so we can get into a discussion of why on earth Facebook should even be that important and I would explain about my single mother status and it being sometimes my only social life, but that isn't the point. Don't get hung up on that. I am more concerned with the fact that this mood has made me wonder who I am exactly. Am I the melancholy me or am I the positive hopeful me. Normally I would say the happy me but when I am doing well I can be, we'll, righteous? Maybe that is not the correct word but I hope for the best and believe in...stuff. I Think I can do big things, change the world. The down version is so much realistic. But, thinking while typing, the miserable version worries about everything. Will have to think about this one more.

The Stuck Cry

Ever have a cry just stuck inside you? It is similar to having the correct word on the tip of your tongue. I have had this mood, this cry, stuck in my for about a week and a half. I know if I can find some huge release I would start to feel better. This stuck feeling has left me in a complete fog. I can't think straight. My energy is zapped. And I miss him. I know, my brain can tell me a million things but I still go through phases of missing him. Heck, I have been alone so long even my brain is starting to betray me. Where's a zombie when you need them. I kid. I guess that is good sign. If I can just get this cry out of me I can get that release and start to feel better again.

The Turtle's Shell of Mental Illness

(This was a facebook status update I made. I had been seeing a lot of posts about if James Holmes was black he would be a gang member, and arab a terrorist but because James Holmes is white it is mental illness, like it is a some kind of excuse....)

Mental illness is not a cop-out. It is a much grimmer life than being born and raised in the wrong location. Maybe with some luck and hard work someone can get out of a bad neighborhood or bad religion. Mental illness never leaves. It has to be defeated everyday and follows the sufferer wherever they go. It's like a turtle carrying its home wherever they go, but this is not a safe place to hide. It's a prison. And these days more and more pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies are finding meds and treatment for mental illness not profitable. So it is left to the individual to battle every day to keep the shell on their back as small as possible. And maybe they can keep it a barely noticeable speck for most of their lives but it never disappears completely.

Fear

I threw up last week. Maybe you are thinking, "so?" What you don't know about me is that I have had a phobia of vomiting since I was a child. No one likes it, or most people don't like it. Maybe there are some people  out there but for most I am sure it is considered rather unpleasant. Well I have a full blown phobia complete with panic attack. Because of this I have developed a pretty good resistance to upchucking. I have only prayed to the porcelin god twice since high school (and I just celebrated my twentieth reunion.) Once was when pregnant and the last was the one from a recent stomach bug. I started to completely freak because I was alone, and tried to call my mom who didn't answer. It was the middle of the night so it was not surprising that she didn't answer. I was stuck alone in my house, vomiting up dinner.  Then something happened inside my head. I heard a thought or voice or whatever you want to call it. And what flashed accross my mind changed me. It/he/she said, (paraphrased) you are experiencing one of your worst fears and you are okay. The panic stopped. I actually felt calm. It was like I separated or stepped back and just witnessed while waiting for the process to stop. It stopped. I crawled into bed and felt sick with the rest of the virus for a couple days but I didn't forget the experience. I don't think I ever will.

And Two Steps Back.

Talked on the phone with previously mentioned new guy and felt awkward and uncomfortable and just all around wrong. So what comes to mind next? My ex.: How well get got along in the beginning, how much feeling I had for him, etc.
I hate that the only feeling I have these days is that I will never feel in love again. I don't ask for much. I just want my best friend back. But that will never happen because that person doesn't exist because everything he said to me a lie.
Having to accept that my love was a lie breaks my heart over and over again.

One step forward.....

I am talking to a guy. A good guy, the best I can tell through email and text. But I am scared because I realize that I have no clue how any of this works now. Am I even ready for any of this even if he is a decent guy? In some ways I still feel such a mess. Maybe I have gotten so comfortable being alone that I have become too complacent. How do I open up to a new human being that I am just getting to know when I am so nervous to ever trust again.
The one person I trusted more than anyone lied to me and broke my heart. Maybe there is no repair for a break like that.
Yet, despite my usual desire to run for the hills pretty much every time he says something ... odd? not what I expect? maybe even slightly inappropriate, a different part of me says..... be honest with yourself.
Then of course the Ego kicks back in and wants to tell him that I am a damaged human and he should be the one to run for the hills.
This is always a good time to remember one of my favorite movies, "As Good As It Gets" when Helen Hunt's mom tell her that there is no such thing as normal.

Guilt

I have been busy. I am sorry. I wanted to write some positive notes but trying to keep up with the normal life stuff means blogging gets pushed back. Of course that is until something happens and my mood goes from tolerable to unavoidably depressed. And that is my dilemma. I can practice all the positive thinking exercises, think I am prepared for what comes next but then something happens and I am reduced once again to a blubbering mess. So is life testing my new resolves to strengthen me or is it the cosmos telling me that I am kidding myself to believe that I can conquer my weaknesses? So someone for a service fired me as a client. I instantly felt inadequate and horrible guilt because frankly I was really a horrible person to work with. At the beginning of the week something else happened where I was at fault and I instantly felt extreme guilt. I rectified the situation but I still felt horrible. So what exactly is guilt? Why does it hold on so tight? If you have an honest opinion give me a content.

I am back to the thought of failure. Maybe I am not meant to be my own boss. Maybe I can't handle it all. Maybe I can't success any anything I set my passion towards. When do you fight to win and when do you give up?

Eh...

That is kind of how I feel about last night's group session. Guess I was hoping for a little more miracle and a little less reliving the pain but I guess that is part of the process. I have put so much energy into moving on that I never dealt with the issues when they happened.

It's all a package deal.

For me at least, I can honestly give an opinion that there is no single road to recovery. It's a cocktail for lack of a better word. I take meds, I see a therapist, I "try" to exercise regularly and now I am going to try the group thing. So what about all that self help out there? Is it a bunch of hooey? Ah, so you get to learn about the final piece of my puzzle. The self help book... or audio... or movie. Maybe it is actually falling into the spiritual part of the puzzle because it has definitely taken a spiritual turn. I have gone from "getting organized" books to books more spiritually inspirational. So what should I recommend others? What ever you are drawn to. I have really found a positive influence in listening to Wayne Dyer. And because of my enjoyment of listening to him speak (usually while I am working, lol) I have looked up some of his influences including Rumi and now I am trying to make sense of "A Course in Miracles".

Therapists.

Therapists are great, at least as a concept. I am sure on an individual basis there are both good and bad but the ability to spill what is bothering you to someone that is impartial and preferably trained is a gift to any human with emotions to spare or anyone with a nervous system for that matter.
I have had the same therapist since my separation from my ex, and she has been such a great help to me through some really tough times. But I guess even one on one therapy isn't enough to help me move on from from this broken heart I am holding onto tightly. For the past two years she has been bugging me to go to a support group for divorced and widowed singles. Well, I finally caved. It was awkward and I broke down in front of strangers I don't know, but I think it is going to be something I am going to have to do. I have a lot riding on this Monday night meeting.
I am having the worst time letting go, and it is incredibly hard to move forward with a heavy weight tied to your ankle.