Cant let go.

When I met my ex I was young and love was still full of magic and fairtale endings. I thought I had found my soul mate at our first kiss. I am older now and should know better than to believe in fairytales but I still can't seem to let go.
It is hard having a battle raging inside. My head knows all the logistics and will make great ground towards moving on and the something happens and the heart swells up and make up lost ground.
The recent milestone, I guess you can call it, is my ex is getting married. I became a mess all over again. I am having trouble figuring out if its just jealousy or if I still love him.

My depression doesn't travel alone.

I haven't talked too much about the other issues I battle on a regular basis but they have been around much longer than the depression. I can remember having anxious moments since I was a kid. I can remember My mom asking me to order my food at a fast food restaurant but I couldn't do it. I would make my mom order it for me. So, I was an anxious child. It was nothing unusual. My parents knew but weren't really concerned. The anxiety grew as I did but nothing so astonishing as to stand out in a crowd. I guess I learned to hide it well and to perfect the perfect stomach ache in order to get out of school early. Not that a lot of it was all that fake. I went through a lot antacids before I was even old enough to vote. To make a long story short I eventually discovered Paxil of course that created a different set of problems. Maybe I will get into it at another time. Now my friend for both my anxiety and depression is Zoloft. Someday I hope to not need it but for now it is part of the healing process. I wouldn't be here with out it.

Wibbly-Wobbly-Timey-Wimey

The title is a quote from one of my all time favorite shows, "Doctor Who". The Doctor is trying to explain time but hearing him say it makes me giggle. Of course, it also makes me think of my depression and how it has been on the healing track. I have often felt like I am unstable and unpredictable like walking on the deck of a ship. Sometimes it takes a lot to hang on and sometimes the seas are calm and you can lean on the railing and enjoy the view. The healing process has never been a constant progression towards good mental health. Some days are good, some are bad. And the time it takes to journey through ebbs and flows, shortens and lengthens and sometimes even jumps around. Thus is life. I guess we are all the Doctor with our own set timelines. Sometimes we even have to do a lot of running. (You'll have to check out the show to get that one. )