And depression rears its ugly head

I guess I should be surprised. It's the big 40, but i don't think I expected this much depression. Birthdays used to be so special and now they make me feel crappy. Other are reminders that there is nothing special about me. I guess I am kind of glad that its a day of Owen errands. I just wish the depression wasn't so bad. 

(Work in progress today)

Selfish wants....

Wow, so that is an oxymoron, selfish wants? I mean if you want something, is it already selfish? But that is besides the point of this post.

My birthday coming up. Not just any old birthday. the big 4-0. Ugh. I know, I know, its just a number, 40 is the new 30, age isn't important....blah...blah....

But is it so wrong to want it to be a special birthday?  My dream? I am one of the few people that wanted a surprise birthday party, but I know in my head that is childish. Ya it would be fun but who would throw it? I have no significant other. My friends have their own lives and they have already done so much for me which makes me feel selfish for even thinking it... I also have a ton of stuff planned for that week; going away on the weekend, and going to see Wicked but nothing really ON my birthday. That's not completely true. I have to take my son to his annual and then to his Kindergarten meet and greet...  on my birthday... It's just another day I guess.

As I type all this bologna it is helping me to realize this all has to do with being alone. I'm alone and fat and going to be middle aged and  it makes me sad.