...at a time.

I have hit bottom. I know what it is like and there is nothing scarier. I remember the empty hole inside and the paralyzing pain. My vision actually lost it's color. I laid on the edge of my bed and stared out at a blue sky with white puffy clouds and fresh green grass. But in my eyes everything was a shade of gray. I even started to compose what to write to my sweet son. Then one small spark of hope entered my mind. I don't even remember what it was that sparked it but I clung to that little spark. I could feel it in my hands. Then I nurtured it and let it grow. It was a slow crawl back to normal. And I hold on to that moment at the lowest trough as a reminder that the bottom is always there. Can't have a top without a bottom, right?

One day...

About 18 years ago, I made a foot in mouth comment to a good friend who was telling me about his depression. As karma usually does it bit me in the ass hard. After my husband informed me of his lack of feelings for me, my post-partum turn into a raging full blown deep depression. This was over two years ago.
It comes in waves. It reminds me of standing in the ocean trying to jump over the waves. I hit the lows knowing that another high is coming which gets me through them but then after the peek there will eventually another trough is coming. I started by counting the waves lengths in days, then weeks. Now my crests are lasting months while the troughs are only days long. I bet that is mathematically impossible but hopefully will keep this trend continuing.