The day after....

So I can't even begin to explain the mood difference when I woke up Sunday morning. I felt normal again. And it's not that I am "over it" so much as my  brain was processing it in a reasonable manner. Depression definitely has its fascinating side to it . 

I am going to call it....

Sick

Time of death for my Birthday Sucktacular is Sept 7. I don't know why I am being so incredibly childish about this but fact is I thought the people in my life actually gave more of a crap about me. I admit it. I had fantasized about someone throwing me a 40th surprise party. When I got divorced I hoped I met someone new that would care about me. Then I thought that maybe one of my wonderful friends would throw something together. I even gave it an extra week after my birthday and nothing. My friends didn't even buy me a present except for a 5 dollar pen from one. There was one friend that did go out of the way. Jen, made me a Tardis cake. And one male friend did give me great presents and i barely know him? Ok, so I got to go away with friends but not a single one offered to pay for anything for my birthday. I know! I get it! I am selfish! I am a child but I am still incredibly hurt. This is not good for my depression. And you know what? I am not going to use my coping skills. I am going to wallow in this.

I asked myself, what from my past would have me so sensitive about birthdays and instantly I remembered a birthday, not sure what year but around elementary level, where we invited I think seven or so friends, a decent amount, and only one friend showed up. 

Since my ex left my birthdays have not been pleasant. The last two I was actually sick with some kind of stomach issue so I couldn't even meet my friend at a local restaurant for lobster like I had done previous years. And this year my son had appointments which meant no fun stuff stuff for me until night. So we went to a local restaurant. Not my favorite and my mom brought a supermarket cake.  I actually throught well this is because they have a surprise party planned. Typing this I can here people yelling at their computers saying to be grateful for what I have. Maybe I am still trying to make up for that birthday from when I was a little kid. 

Well it's over now. Anything now would be out of pity or guilt. I think I am officially done with birthdays. 

And depression rears its ugly head

I guess I should be surprised. It's the big 40, but i don't think I expected this much depression. Birthdays used to be so special and now they make me feel crappy. Other are reminders that there is nothing special about me. I guess I am kind of glad that its a day of Owen errands. I just wish the depression wasn't so bad. 

(Work in progress today)

Selfish wants....

Wow, so that is an oxymoron, selfish wants? I mean if you want something, is it already selfish? But that is besides the point of this post.

My birthday coming up. Not just any old birthday. the big 4-0. Ugh. I know, I know, its just a number, 40 is the new 30, age isn't important....blah...blah....

But is it so wrong to want it to be a special birthday?  My dream? I am one of the few people that wanted a surprise birthday party, but I know in my head that is childish. Ya it would be fun but who would throw it? I have no significant other. My friends have their own lives and they have already done so much for me which makes me feel selfish for even thinking it... I also have a ton of stuff planned for that week; going away on the weekend, and going to see Wicked but nothing really ON my birthday. That's not completely true. I have to take my son to his annual and then to his Kindergarten meet and greet...  on my birthday... It's just another day I guess.

As I type all this bologna it is helping me to realize this all has to do with being alone. I'm alone and fat and going to be middle aged and  it makes me sad.

Togetherness with Self

Most days I am completely oblivious to how alone I actually am. I go through life being quite content with my solitary lifestyle. I can do what I want, when I want. But then something happens and the realization that I am so completely alone slaps me across the face. This time it was another blast from the past and the beginning was genuine concern for someone who was going through what I already had been through and really needed a friend. I was trying to be supportive because I knew exactly how he felt. I had been in those same shoes and I was in a good place.At least I thought I was. I mean we are adults and understand complex relationships, right? Ya. Not me. It doesn't seem to matter who the guy is or really how much feeling may be surfacing. I fall apart. I become anxious and slightly obsessed. It becomes a high. My imagination creates an entire world in no time flat and I usually do or say things that I regret and when it inevitably doesn't work I crash. It is my own emotional walk of shame through my cortex. This walk of shame carries banners professing my lack of worthiness for a relationship. A town cryer yells , "who would want you?" And "you will always be alone!" Well, self statements like these are just the right skeleton key to open the door to depression to creep back. So what does one do? I remember that things happen for reason. Each thing teaches me something new, opens a new door into my soul, teaching me who I really am and who I want to be even if it means some heartache and a little more loneliness.

Best. Podcast. Ever.

I will eventually post a list of all the things I use to help me feel better but I needed to share a new podcast I have been listening to and how much it has helped me feel better. Best description? If you suffer with mental illness this will help you understand that you are NOT alone! The podcast is called The Mental Illness Happy Hour and can be found at www.mentalpod.com . Check it out.