Hoarders

Its actually a show I like to watch for a silly reason, that it makes me want to clean. I am not a neat person. That is my nice what of saying I am a slob. LOL But the fear of my OCD X's family turned me into a much neater person. But sometimes the show hits too close to home. But unlike people who watch in awe at the living conditions of these people and wonder how on earth can anyone live like that I actual watch with sympathy. I see the pain in their eyes when they can't let go of a simple object and understand what is like. Let's see if I can explain.
There is a confusion that goes along with what they are feeling. You are taking an already confused mind and making them think outside its own norm which is exhausting. And there is the attachment. I guess I watch because I understand how they feel. I have come close to that. Not because I couldn't throw things out. But because I just was so overwhelmed and confused that I didn't want to deal. When they show the person looking totally exhausted over deciding what to do with a paper bag I just want to give them a hug. I understand the exhaustion with trying to file that item away in their mind, do they need it? are they just going to have to buy another one if they throw it away? Isn't that a waste of money? What about the environment? I just want to grab them through the screen and tell them to throw it out and then FORGIVE THEMSELVES for doing it. Sometimes you can't do whats best you just have to do what is "ok".
Amazing how I can want them to forgive themselves yet I am so harsh to forgive myself. I am always too hard on myself. Why can't I take my own advice?

and down once more...

Why am I crashing again? I have a complete lack of appreciation for the things in my life right now. Today is the perfect day to get things done and all I want to do is cry. And the main thread eating at me is I don't have time to just sit and do nothing. Yup, back to feeling overwhelmed which leads to stress which leads to depression... I realize its obvious yet I can't seem to stop it.
There is also distorted perception. I feel like I dont see things the correct way, or maybe should say the way others do. I get mad at someone and if I express it in any way I am somehow always made to feel like I am wrong, or didnt see things clearly. Distorted is the only word I can think of to discribe it. Well, there is also the word crazy. Sometimes I just feel crazy.

Figuring out the process.

Well, I am trying to figure out where it starts. Does it start with feeling overwhelmed? Does it start with having to do something that I don't completely understand, is difficult or is just not habit yet? I think it is a combo of both. When they both hit at the same time the anxiety which turns into feelings that things will never change, which leads do depression. I hate feelings that my mistakes will alway repeat themselves. That I will never be the person I want to be.

Ya know, sometimes my posts that are brainstorms may not be interesting to read but are helpful to me!