something new...

So my depression has been ok. I had some tough times recently but I managed through them. There is something new that I am experiencing lately that has me puzzled and concerned. I am becoming easily annoyed with people that are quite important in my life and even holding a grudge. Now its not that they are innocent. There is usually something legit that sets me off but I can't seem to just forget about it, "forgive and forget". Lately I feel like I would rather be alone then deal with stupid crap. In the past I would just take a break and eventually act like nothing happened. Now, I am dealing with a desire to just keep my distance. Am I hiding or protecting myself from dealing with things I find asinine? Is this a side effect from my depression? Or am I finally standing up for my own feelings?

good days....

The problem with the good days is that you feel good and feel no need to write. And then there are the good days like today. I had a busy day, I am really tired but it was still a good day. Then why on earth do I want to burst into tears. Normally feeling the sudden urge to cry for me is PMS because the bad moods from depression are slow waves that you can kind of sense it coming. I had a few iffy days but I thought I was on the upswing. And then again if I think about it, I am very tired and when I am tired I lose control... time for a good night sleep. Then I will think about everything tomorrow when I am more awake.

bad days...

Everyone has them right? Why does it feel like when you have depression that the bad days are scary. They become like little reminders of what can happen on a larger scale.
Today was a bad day and even though I kept telling myself its just a bad day and that everyone has them, it still tugged at the dark side like a reminder that another fall to the bottom could happen any time. It makes me second guess my treatment as well. Are my meds working? Should I go back to therapy? Are all my positive thoughts a joke?

The battle continues.....

...at a time.

I have hit bottom. I know what it is like and there is nothing scarier. I remember the empty hole inside and the paralyzing pain. My vision actually lost it's color. I laid on the edge of my bed and stared out at a blue sky with white puffy clouds and fresh green grass. But in my eyes everything was a shade of gray. I even started to compose what to write to my sweet son. Then one small spark of hope entered my mind. I don't even remember what it was that sparked it but I clung to that little spark. I could feel it in my hands. Then I nurtured it and let it grow. It was a slow crawl back to normal. And I hold on to that moment at the lowest trough as a reminder that the bottom is always there. Can't have a top without a bottom, right?

One day...

About 18 years ago, I made a foot in mouth comment to a good friend who was telling me about his depression. As karma usually does it bit me in the ass hard. After my husband informed me of his lack of feelings for me, my post-partum turn into a raging full blown deep depression. This was over two years ago.
It comes in waves. It reminds me of standing in the ocean trying to jump over the waves. I hit the lows knowing that another high is coming which gets me through them but then after the peek there will eventually another trough is coming. I started by counting the waves lengths in days, then weeks. Now my crests are lasting months while the troughs are only days long. I bet that is mathematically impossible but hopefully will keep this trend continuing.