Guilt

I have been busy. I am sorry. I wanted to write some positive notes but trying to keep up with the normal life stuff means blogging gets pushed back. Of course that is until something happens and my mood goes from tolerable to unavoidably depressed. And that is my dilemma. I can practice all the positive thinking exercises, think I am prepared for what comes next but then something happens and I am reduced once again to a blubbering mess. So is life testing my new resolves to strengthen me or is it the cosmos telling me that I am kidding myself to believe that I can conquer my weaknesses? So someone for a service fired me as a client. I instantly felt inadequate and horrible guilt because frankly I was really a horrible person to work with. At the beginning of the week something else happened where I was at fault and I instantly felt extreme guilt. I rectified the situation but I still felt horrible. So what exactly is guilt? Why does it hold on so tight? If you have an honest opinion give me a content.

I am back to the thought of failure. Maybe I am not meant to be my own boss. Maybe I can't handle it all. Maybe I can't success any anything I set my passion towards. When do you fight to win and when do you give up?

Eh...

That is kind of how I feel about last night's group session. Guess I was hoping for a little more miracle and a little less reliving the pain but I guess that is part of the process. I have put so much energy into moving on that I never dealt with the issues when they happened.

It's all a package deal.

For me at least, I can honestly give an opinion that there is no single road to recovery. It's a cocktail for lack of a better word. I take meds, I see a therapist, I "try" to exercise regularly and now I am going to try the group thing. So what about all that self help out there? Is it a bunch of hooey? Ah, so you get to learn about the final piece of my puzzle. The self help book... or audio... or movie. Maybe it is actually falling into the spiritual part of the puzzle because it has definitely taken a spiritual turn. I have gone from "getting organized" books to books more spiritually inspirational. So what should I recommend others? What ever you are drawn to. I have really found a positive influence in listening to Wayne Dyer. And because of my enjoyment of listening to him speak (usually while I am working, lol) I have looked up some of his influences including Rumi and now I am trying to make sense of "A Course in Miracles".

Therapists.

Therapists are great, at least as a concept. I am sure on an individual basis there are both good and bad but the ability to spill what is bothering you to someone that is impartial and preferably trained is a gift to any human with emotions to spare or anyone with a nervous system for that matter.
I have had the same therapist since my separation from my ex, and she has been such a great help to me through some really tough times. But I guess even one on one therapy isn't enough to help me move on from from this broken heart I am holding onto tightly. For the past two years she has been bugging me to go to a support group for divorced and widowed singles. Well, I finally caved. It was awkward and I broke down in front of strangers I don't know, but I think it is going to be something I am going to have to do. I have a lot riding on this Monday night meeting.
I am having the worst time letting go, and it is incredibly hard to move forward with a heavy weight tied to your ankle.

Cant let go.

When I met my ex I was young and love was still full of magic and fairtale endings. I thought I had found my soul mate at our first kiss. I am older now and should know better than to believe in fairytales but I still can't seem to let go.
It is hard having a battle raging inside. My head knows all the logistics and will make great ground towards moving on and the something happens and the heart swells up and make up lost ground.
The recent milestone, I guess you can call it, is my ex is getting married. I became a mess all over again. I am having trouble figuring out if its just jealousy or if I still love him.

My depression doesn't travel alone.

I haven't talked too much about the other issues I battle on a regular basis but they have been around much longer than the depression. I can remember having anxious moments since I was a kid. I can remember My mom asking me to order my food at a fast food restaurant but I couldn't do it. I would make my mom order it for me. So, I was an anxious child. It was nothing unusual. My parents knew but weren't really concerned. The anxiety grew as I did but nothing so astonishing as to stand out in a crowd. I guess I learned to hide it well and to perfect the perfect stomach ache in order to get out of school early. Not that a lot of it was all that fake. I went through a lot antacids before I was even old enough to vote. To make a long story short I eventually discovered Paxil of course that created a different set of problems. Maybe I will get into it at another time. Now my friend for both my anxiety and depression is Zoloft. Someday I hope to not need it but for now it is part of the healing process. I wouldn't be here with out it.

Wibbly-Wobbly-Timey-Wimey

The title is a quote from one of my all time favorite shows, "Doctor Who". The Doctor is trying to explain time but hearing him say it makes me giggle. Of course, it also makes me think of my depression and how it has been on the healing track. I have often felt like I am unstable and unpredictable like walking on the deck of a ship. Sometimes it takes a lot to hang on and sometimes the seas are calm and you can lean on the railing and enjoy the view. The healing process has never been a constant progression towards good mental health. Some days are good, some are bad. And the time it takes to journey through ebbs and flows, shortens and lengthens and sometimes even jumps around. Thus is life. I guess we are all the Doctor with our own set timelines. Sometimes we even have to do a lot of running. (You'll have to check out the show to get that one. )