When my brother was sixteen and I was twelve, he was diagnosed with cancer. It was treatable but the treatment itself was harsh. At twelve I wasn't much help for anything except staying out of the way. So that's what I did. I became invisible. It was certainly made easier that I was totally phobic towards vomit and that is all he did for about nine months straight. It seemed easy at the time. It never even dawned on me until decades later and after years of therapy, that maybe that time in my life had a lasting effect on me. My brother came through with flying colors so on went life, right?
Now don't misunderstand me. The main component of my mental illness is chemical. But my triggers are emotional. And over the past couple years I have learned what they are. Being invisible or being visible only when it's due to something negative. How I figured this out was not looking back on when I was thirteen. Oh, no, no. It was movies.
Think about the last time you cried at a movie. What was the reason? It dawned on me one day while watching a movie that I didn't cry when a main character died. But I did start crying when people came together to pay tribute. A light went off. I started to think about all the times I did cry at media... It all came back when someone seemingly invisible was seen for how awesome they actually could be.
So lets cut out the months of me asking myself why and straight to realizing it may all go back to that time I was invisible. Since then when I found myself getting "triggered" by something I would ask myself why: the latest was I accidentally left the basement door open on a very cold day. My father was pissed. I instantly wanted to crawl inside myself because I was noticed all right but for a flaw. Thats the other trigger. It doesn't help that I have a very northern European(?) background where emotions aren't really expressed. I sat there trying to pay attention to a zoom meeting while wanting to cry, asking myself why am I so upset? I made a stupid oops and apologized.
Then it dawned on me. The only attention anyone ever gets in this family particularly from my dad is negative. There was never really a ton of praise. Ok. Well I am old enough to realize this now and can bounce back and move on fairly quickly now. (If you ever get sick of your therapist talking about coping skills I get it but they work. They really do.) Thank you coping skills.
Jumping to the present. I find out, over 30 years later, that my brother has been diagnosed with cancer again. I think I know what it is like to have an emotional flashback. I felt thirteen again. I actually thought to myself "I can't go invisible again, I can't." Then I also thought he better not leave me along with these two (parents) but that is more of a running joke than anything else... or maybe a coping mechanism? We do use humor a lot to deal with anything. Not the healthiest of approaches.
Again coping skills to rescue! I am not thirteen anymore. His cancer was caught early. It's very treatable. My main goal will be keeping my dad from falling off an emotional edge.
There is one thing lingering in the back of my mind. People will soon be telling me how sorry they are to hear about my brother, or how is your brother doing? I can't help think no one ever asks me how is my depression. I have spent 20 years fighting my disease but nobody talks about those things. Makes someone feel unnoticed.... or invisible.
