Cant let go.

When I met my ex I was young and love was still full of magic and fairtale endings. I thought I had found my soul mate at our first kiss. I am older now and should know better than to believe in fairytales but I still can't seem to let go.
It is hard having a battle raging inside. My head knows all the logistics and will make great ground towards moving on and the something happens and the heart swells up and make up lost ground.
The recent milestone, I guess you can call it, is my ex is getting married. I became a mess all over again. I am having trouble figuring out if its just jealousy or if I still love him.

My depression doesn't travel alone.

I haven't talked too much about the other issues I battle on a regular basis but they have been around much longer than the depression. I can remember having anxious moments since I was a kid. I can remember My mom asking me to order my food at a fast food restaurant but I couldn't do it. I would make my mom order it for me. So, I was an anxious child. It was nothing unusual. My parents knew but weren't really concerned. The anxiety grew as I did but nothing so astonishing as to stand out in a crowd. I guess I learned to hide it well and to perfect the perfect stomach ache in order to get out of school early. Not that a lot of it was all that fake. I went through a lot antacids before I was even old enough to vote. To make a long story short I eventually discovered Paxil of course that created a different set of problems. Maybe I will get into it at another time. Now my friend for both my anxiety and depression is Zoloft. Someday I hope to not need it but for now it is part of the healing process. I wouldn't be here with out it.

Wibbly-Wobbly-Timey-Wimey

The title is a quote from one of my all time favorite shows, "Doctor Who". The Doctor is trying to explain time but hearing him say it makes me giggle. Of course, it also makes me think of my depression and how it has been on the healing track. I have often felt like I am unstable and unpredictable like walking on the deck of a ship. Sometimes it takes a lot to hang on and sometimes the seas are calm and you can lean on the railing and enjoy the view. The healing process has never been a constant progression towards good mental health. Some days are good, some are bad. And the time it takes to journey through ebbs and flows, shortens and lengthens and sometimes even jumps around. Thus is life. I guess we are all the Doctor with our own set timelines. Sometimes we even have to do a lot of running. (You'll have to check out the show to get that one. )

Hoarders

Its actually a show I like to watch for a silly reason, that it makes me want to clean. I am not a neat person. That is my nice what of saying I am a slob. LOL But the fear of my OCD X's family turned me into a much neater person. But sometimes the show hits too close to home. But unlike people who watch in awe at the living conditions of these people and wonder how on earth can anyone live like that I actual watch with sympathy. I see the pain in their eyes when they can't let go of a simple object and understand what is like. Let's see if I can explain.
There is a confusion that goes along with what they are feeling. You are taking an already confused mind and making them think outside its own norm which is exhausting. And there is the attachment. I guess I watch because I understand how they feel. I have come close to that. Not because I couldn't throw things out. But because I just was so overwhelmed and confused that I didn't want to deal. When they show the person looking totally exhausted over deciding what to do with a paper bag I just want to give them a hug. I understand the exhaustion with trying to file that item away in their mind, do they need it? are they just going to have to buy another one if they throw it away? Isn't that a waste of money? What about the environment? I just want to grab them through the screen and tell them to throw it out and then FORGIVE THEMSELVES for doing it. Sometimes you can't do whats best you just have to do what is "ok".
Amazing how I can want them to forgive themselves yet I am so harsh to forgive myself. I am always too hard on myself. Why can't I take my own advice?

and down once more...

Why am I crashing again? I have a complete lack of appreciation for the things in my life right now. Today is the perfect day to get things done and all I want to do is cry. And the main thread eating at me is I don't have time to just sit and do nothing. Yup, back to feeling overwhelmed which leads to stress which leads to depression... I realize its obvious yet I can't seem to stop it.
There is also distorted perception. I feel like I dont see things the correct way, or maybe should say the way others do. I get mad at someone and if I express it in any way I am somehow always made to feel like I am wrong, or didnt see things clearly. Distorted is the only word I can think of to discribe it. Well, there is also the word crazy. Sometimes I just feel crazy.

Figuring out the process.

Well, I am trying to figure out where it starts. Does it start with feeling overwhelmed? Does it start with having to do something that I don't completely understand, is difficult or is just not habit yet? I think it is a combo of both. When they both hit at the same time the anxiety which turns into feelings that things will never change, which leads do depression. I hate feelings that my mistakes will alway repeat themselves. That I will never be the person I want to be.

Ya know, sometimes my posts that are brainstorms may not be interesting to read but are helpful to me!

something new...

So my depression has been ok. I had some tough times recently but I managed through them. There is something new that I am experiencing lately that has me puzzled and concerned. I am becoming easily annoyed with people that are quite important in my life and even holding a grudge. Now its not that they are innocent. There is usually something legit that sets me off but I can't seem to just forget about it, "forgive and forget". Lately I feel like I would rather be alone then deal with stupid crap. In the past I would just take a break and eventually act like nothing happened. Now, I am dealing with a desire to just keep my distance. Am I hiding or protecting myself from dealing with things I find asinine? Is this a side effect from my depression? Or am I finally standing up for my own feelings?

good days....

The problem with the good days is that you feel good and feel no need to write. And then there are the good days like today. I had a busy day, I am really tired but it was still a good day. Then why on earth do I want to burst into tears. Normally feeling the sudden urge to cry for me is PMS because the bad moods from depression are slow waves that you can kind of sense it coming. I had a few iffy days but I thought I was on the upswing. And then again if I think about it, I am very tired and when I am tired I lose control... time for a good night sleep. Then I will think about everything tomorrow when I am more awake.

bad days...

Everyone has them right? Why does it feel like when you have depression that the bad days are scary. They become like little reminders of what can happen on a larger scale.
Today was a bad day and even though I kept telling myself its just a bad day and that everyone has them, it still tugged at the dark side like a reminder that another fall to the bottom could happen any time. It makes me second guess my treatment as well. Are my meds working? Should I go back to therapy? Are all my positive thoughts a joke?

The battle continues.....

...at a time.

I have hit bottom. I know what it is like and there is nothing scarier. I remember the empty hole inside and the paralyzing pain. My vision actually lost it's color. I laid on the edge of my bed and stared out at a blue sky with white puffy clouds and fresh green grass. But in my eyes everything was a shade of gray. I even started to compose what to write to my sweet son. Then one small spark of hope entered my mind. I don't even remember what it was that sparked it but I clung to that little spark. I could feel it in my hands. Then I nurtured it and let it grow. It was a slow crawl back to normal. And I hold on to that moment at the lowest trough as a reminder that the bottom is always there. Can't have a top without a bottom, right?

One day...

About 18 years ago, I made a foot in mouth comment to a good friend who was telling me about his depression. As karma usually does it bit me in the ass hard. After my husband informed me of his lack of feelings for me, my post-partum turn into a raging full blown deep depression. This was over two years ago.
It comes in waves. It reminds me of standing in the ocean trying to jump over the waves. I hit the lows knowing that another high is coming which gets me through them but then after the peek there will eventually another trough is coming. I started by counting the waves lengths in days, then weeks. Now my crests are lasting months while the troughs are only days long. I bet that is mathematically impossible but hopefully will keep this trend continuing.