Just one thing..

 Go watch Hi Ren on Youtube. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_nc1IVoMxc

My main issue stems from Cancer... but I have never had Cancer.

 When my brother was sixteen and I was twelve, he was diagnosed with cancer. It was treatable but the treatment itself was harsh. At twelve I wasn't much help for anything except staying out of the way. So that's what I did. I became invisible. It was certainly made easier that I was totally phobic towards vomit and that is all he did for about nine months straight. It seemed easy at the time. It never even dawned on me until  decades later and after years of therapy, that maybe that time in my life had a lasting effect on me. My brother came through with flying colors so on went life, right? 

Now don't misunderstand me. The main component of my mental illness is chemical. But my triggers are emotional.  And over the past couple years I have learned what they are. Being invisible or being visible only when it's due to something negative. How I figured this out was not looking back on when I was thirteen. Oh, no, no. It was movies. 

Think about the last time you cried at a movie. What was the reason? It dawned on me one day while watching a movie that I didn't cry when a main character died. But I did start crying when people came together to pay tribute. A light went off. I started to think about all the times I did cry at media... It all came back when someone seemingly invisible was seen for how awesome they actually could be. 

So lets cut out the months of me asking myself why and straight to realizing it may all go back to that time I was invisible. Since then when I found myself getting "triggered" by something I would ask myself why: the latest was I accidentally left the basement door open on a very cold day. My father was pissed. I instantly wanted to crawl inside myself because I was noticed all right but for a flaw. Thats the other trigger. It doesn't help that I have a very northern European(?) background where emotions aren't really expressed. I sat there trying to pay attention to a zoom meeting while wanting to cry, asking myself why am I so upset? I made a stupid oops and apologized. 

Then it dawned on me. The only attention anyone ever gets in this family particularly from my dad is negative. There was never really a ton of praise. Ok. Well I am old enough to realize this now and can bounce back and move on fairly quickly now. (If you ever get sick of your therapist talking about coping skills I get it but they work. They really do.) Thank you coping skills. 

Jumping to the present. I find out, over 30 years later, that my brother has been diagnosed with cancer again. I think I know what it is like to have an emotional flashback. I felt thirteen again. I actually thought to myself "I can't go invisible again, I can't." Then I also thought he better not leave me along with these two (parents) but that is more of a running joke than anything else... or maybe a coping mechanism? We do use humor a lot to deal with anything. Not the healthiest of approaches. 

Again coping skills to rescue! I am not thirteen anymore. His cancer was caught early. It's very treatable. My main goal will be keeping my dad from falling off an emotional edge. 

There is one thing lingering in the back of my mind. People will soon be telling me how sorry they are to hear about my brother, or how is your brother doing? I can't help think no one ever asks me how is my depression. I have spent 20 years fighting my disease but nobody talks about those things. Makes someone feel unnoticed.... or invisible. 

and just like that...

I'm back. Tis the seasonal affective disorder... I hate February. I hate messing up my meds. I hate not having a coherent thought in my head to even attempt to express myself. But I must make an attempt before I start calling doctors and asking for prescription changes. So lets review the coping skills.
1. self care. check.
2. going for walks. Managed to do a little Pokemon Go playing yesterday.
3. listening to self help. Have had trouble finding anything worth listening to.
4. Journaling.... That's this. Which is why I won't put any effort into finishing articles. I am just going to write and see what comes of it.
5. Talk to friends? There comes a time when I just don't want to bother them anymore. They have their own lives... I'll see what I can do.

Until I start to feel better,  I guess I live with this feeling that someone massively obese person is sitting on my forehead.

I know I have said it before, but I might as well say it again. I don't write when I am doing well. And for the most part I have been doing well. Of course anyone with a chronic mental illness knows there are always set backs. Maybe they become more  infrequent but there are the triggers. Ah, yes. There are always the triggers. One of my triggers, which if I ever write a graphic novel about my life will be an arch nemesis is anything to do with Taxes. I see anything tax related,  even if its good news,   I want to curl up in the fetal position and weep like a lost child. Is there reason for it? I would say so after two audits by the IRS. And I will tell you some truths. They are horrifying when you get them. They are also some of the nicest people I have ever dealt with in my life. I would rather call the IRS than call the cable company. Of course if you have read anything else by me you would know that I hate phones. But maybe because of when the audits happened, during my divorce and the worst part of my depression, or maybe because they are red flags in my face about my failures in life, anything to do with taxes and the letters I, R, and S (probably not even in that order) are pure stress for me. Hence me opening up this page again and getting my fingers typing again. I could just journal but where is the "fun in that."

No resolution to share. I got a letter from he state this time... Panic is back. Will start questioning my meds again but will try the coping skills first... and call my therapist. ring ring... time to talk.

Birthdays

I have to come to hate my birthday. I never used to. I used to love my birthday and even count the days, weeks, etc until it arrived. But fact is it was never really satisfying. It always left you wanting more. Except maybe my 16th. That was a good time. I guess this growing disgust came to a head last year when I turned 40. Determined to have a great 40th I planned everything myself. But in the back of my head I wished for a surprise party. Its my 40th, right? The one people always plan  a big party for? Well. It didn't happen. I mean I had friends do great things. We saw a show and the girls went away for the weekend (which I paid for my part myself and another girl had a birthday too). But I kept waiting for something more. Nothing. And then I got mad at myself because it just seemed so self centered. Well this year has come up fast. And people have asked me what I want to do and the fact is I don't want to do anything. It feels forced and like an obligation I am placing on others. "You must make me feel special." It's not like I go out of my way for my friends so why on earth should I expect that from them. Maybe part of it is feeling guilty for my cousin. Maybe if more people including myself let him know how appreciated he was he would still be here. Birthdays are a farce and I don't like farces. Unless they are sci-fi related. Happy birthday to me.

The day after....

So I can't even begin to explain the mood difference when I woke up Sunday morning. I felt normal again. And it's not that I am "over it" so much as my  brain was processing it in a reasonable manner. Depression definitely has its fascinating side to it . 

I am going to call it....

Sick

Time of death for my Birthday Sucktacular is Sept 7. I don't know why I am being so incredibly childish about this but fact is I thought the people in my life actually gave more of a crap about me. I admit it. I had fantasized about someone throwing me a 40th surprise party. When I got divorced I hoped I met someone new that would care about me. Then I thought that maybe one of my wonderful friends would throw something together. I even gave it an extra week after my birthday and nothing. My friends didn't even buy me a present except for a 5 dollar pen from one. There was one friend that did go out of the way. Jen, made me a Tardis cake. And one male friend did give me great presents and i barely know him? Ok, so I got to go away with friends but not a single one offered to pay for anything for my birthday. I know! I get it! I am selfish! I am a child but I am still incredibly hurt. This is not good for my depression. And you know what? I am not going to use my coping skills. I am going to wallow in this.

I asked myself, what from my past would have me so sensitive about birthdays and instantly I remembered a birthday, not sure what year but around elementary level, where we invited I think seven or so friends, a decent amount, and only one friend showed up. 

Since my ex left my birthdays have not been pleasant. The last two I was actually sick with some kind of stomach issue so I couldn't even meet my friend at a local restaurant for lobster like I had done previous years. And this year my son had appointments which meant no fun stuff stuff for me until night. So we went to a local restaurant. Not my favorite and my mom brought a supermarket cake.  I actually throught well this is because they have a surprise party planned. Typing this I can here people yelling at their computers saying to be grateful for what I have. Maybe I am still trying to make up for that birthday from when I was a little kid. 

Well it's over now. Anything now would be out of pity or guilt. I think I am officially done with birthdays.